Adolescence

 Yet another Netflix series that caught my attention recently- Adolescence. It is based on the horrendous stabbing incidents in UK, that left a lasting impression on Stephen Graham who co-created the show with Jack Thorne. Stephen himself is part of the show playing the role of the father to the lead/ accused in this case- Jamie Miller. While there has been a lot of uproar that the show simply refused to truly represent the race of the individual behind the stabbing, I would rather want us to focus on what the show is all about. 

This is a mini series of 4 episodes which are an hour long each. Each episode is beyond brilliant and every single character amazingly well put together. It talks about a lot of things that today's generation goes through in their adolescence. I had to read about what the Andrew Tate, 80-20 rules are. Asides the evident generation gap to understand the language of Gen Z, Gen Alpha there is more to it.

 As parents, many live in a world of delusion that ensuring your child is attending a good school, has all the expensive gadgets or outfits, gets all that he/ she wants, makes them the best parent since they as a child could not have these. What we fail to understand is today's generation is exposed to a social world- one that you and I do not even understand. I was baffled when I learnt through the series that the Heart emoji has different meanings when it is used in different colours. 

Beyond the generational gap we have to start thinking more about what makes kids of this generation to look out for recognition/ appreciation in the social world. The lead character in this show feels that he is not part of the 20% of the male. He has an Instagram account which he doesn't use to post much but rather follows others. And then there is the son of the DI in this show who also has an Instagram account because of the FOMO. If you closely observe, these kids do not feel recognised or seen in their own homes. The DI decides to spend time with his son only after he visits the school himself as part of the case investigation and realises how crunched the whole school system is. When the DI visits the school to talk to the kids who are as young as 13, there is zero empathy towards the fact that their own classmates- one who is dead and another who is now in custody for the death of the classmate. They rather find it to be fun and interesting which kind of alludes to the fact that they are not living in reality but in their own social/ imaginary worlds. There is no remorse, no human feeling that they lost one among them. 

The only kid who is agitated and beyond shattered is the best friend. Yet another revelation there. For this kid, her friend who is now no more was the only source who made her feel seen. The closing scene of that particular episode shows her leaving the school shattered and mingling with a crowd of her school mates who are glued to their mobile unaware of her presence. She makes a remark during her conversation with her teacher that she does not want her mother to come to school since her mother hates it when she has to leave her work and come take care of her. 

The investigation team find an expensive brand of sneakers which match to what the accused teen has in the opening scene. Through the series you learn that this is not a very well to do family, yet he has them. The kid has been exposed to his father's anger at a very young age and in his mind that is masculine. He also thinks it is completely okay to not have friends from the other gender, to provide for the family is the only role that the man has to play. There is also the mother here. At one point when the daughter asks if her father is okay after an incident of kids ruining his van and him losing his temper, the mother simply says- "Yes he will be. I give him his space and he will be fine and that is how it always has been". Again pointing to the general assumption that men should not show their emotions and deal with them themselves. 

The conversation between the parents in the last episode goes on about how they got the kid a computer and he would be in his room spending hours on it late through the night. They wonder why he turned out to be so even though seemingly they did everything he asked. 

Parenting is not just finding schools, buying what your ward needs. With the rise of nuclear families and both parents working- because they want to give their best to their kid, they only end up giving them nothing. Kids need attention, their parents undivided attention, to understand their emotions, to help them learn through mistakes, to make them feel whole and that they are enough. Unfortunately, with the priorities not being clear and looking for an easy fix to anything, Parents end up buying whatever their kid wants out of guilt. There is no conversation that happens beyond how was school. It's important to remember One's childhood determines how the person grows up to be. 

The Theory of needs by Abraham Maslow is so relevant here. What kids get today from their home is a satisfaction of their Physiological needs and nothing beyond this. It is only natural that the kid starts seeking attention and looks for recognition elsewhere. As a society we have collectively failed in the upbringing of kids. I recently read many articles that point towards the rising use of Drugs amongst kids, sexual assaults amongst juveniles and when you go down the case you realise how dysfunctional the family is.  Human beings are social animals and I keep saying this over and over again. Introvert, extrovert doesn't matter- we all need the human touch and a human life. Unless we consciously spend time with our kids and try to understand them and help them see the world in a better lens than as an illusion, we will continue to fail. 

It is not an easy task. I personally ensure I spend quality time with my daughter. I thought I was doing my best and ensuring she saw things in an unbiased way until one fine day she reacted very surprised when she saw me take the drivers seat in the car. She always thought it was the father's role to drive and for the mother to sit with the child. I also realised I got to drive the car only when my husband moved outside the country. This was not conscious and yet I was surprised she had observed so much and concluded that driving a car is a Man's job! A kids mind learns and grasps things quickly. Hence it is more important to understand how they spend this time. We don't have to be helicopter parents or even be their friends. It is a great responsibility and one that comes with its own wonderful challenges too.

As I always say, Change starts at home.